By now, I’m sure many of you are thinking “what did she see in this guy in the first place?” In the midst of all of the bad stories, I’m sure it is pretty unfathomable as to how I could have ever fallen for someone like Lance, let alone let it get as far as it did.

Well, I have my reasons. Let me explain.

He was a good father. I remember the first time he talked to me about his children; his face lit up like a child on Christmas morning as he talked about them with an overwhelming amount of pride in his voice. They were undoubtedly his favorite subject to discuss, so much that I felt like I knew them far before we’d ever met. When I finally did meet his children, following his return from deployment, I became enamored with the way he loved them. He was completely nurturing and selfless and gentle; and everything I wanted my future husband to be with our future children. The only thing more precious than his love for them, was the way that they reciprocated that love back to him. There was no doubt in my mind that he was their hero. In their eyes, Lance was the strongest, funniest, and smartest guy on planet Earth, and they relished every moment they got to spend with him. Their love was endearing and he made it a priority. When it came to them, he didn’t cut corners. When it came to them, he made any sacrifice that needed to be made. When it came to them, he didn’t put his own interests first.

The problem with this; however, was that because he was a good father, I thought that would translate into him being a good partner. I thought that his ability to express love and loyalty to them in that capacity, meant he would be able to express love and loyalty to me with different, but equal intensity.  I was wrong.

It turns out the way a man treats someone else isn’t always a representation of how he will treat you. I know that many of us go off the idea that you should look at how a man treats his mother and that will be an indication of how he will treat you. While, I don’t think that’s totally inaccurate, it’s also not the gospel. People treat you according to how they feel about you and how you allow them to treat you. Nothing more, nothing less.

Reason 2

There were good times. Every waking moment with this man wasn’t miserable. There were times we had fun and moments where I really enjoyed him. We both liked to travel and try new things. He had a very romantic side to him, and as I mentioned earlier in the book, he was very good at captivating my attention when he wanted to. He knew how to make me feel adored and in the beginning, despite that fact that he wouldn’t commit to me, he was not stingy with compliments or affection. He was good for grandiose gestures that would make my heart swell and had me swooning over him, and he liked to spoil me with gifts, both big and small. I used to have a desk drawer full of empty vases at work, because he sent me flowers so regularly that even my co-workers expected them. I could always count on his spontaneous nature to match mine when it came to taking last minute trips or doing something completely spur of the moment. The moments where he was both emotionally and physically present were good. Unfortunately, the older our relationship got the more infrequent those moments came.

Reason 3

In the beginning, he was a beautiful distraction. He was the first guy to make me genuinely smile after losing Jordan. He was the first person that was able to make me forget about the giant hole in my heart, even if for just a moment. When you’ve been in the dark, any glimpse of light seems hopeful. For a short while, he was light for me. A small remnant of what I’d felt I’d lost, and representation of what I hoped to gain back in the future. He helped me to understand that I didn’t always have to feel like I had been feeling. For that, he will always have my gratitude. Of course later I discovered that he wasn’t a light at the end of the tunnel, but rather a train heading my way. Too bad I didn’t anticipate that collision.

Reason 4

Reason four is probably the most salient of them all: something broken in me was attracted to whatever was broken in him. I won’t spend time speculating or discussing the ways in which I think that he was broken. The truth is we all face our own battles and we all have our own skeletons, but this book isn’t about his shortcomings or experiences, it’s about mine. What I will say is that something about him seemed very familiar to me, and that familiarity was pain. I could see a little glimpse of myself in him and as soon as I saw that I knew that I wanted to be part of his healing. Once again, in my head I’m a people fixer. He became a person for me to fix, and even in my brokenness I felt I had the capacity to help him through his. As soon as I mentally signed up to help him, I committed myself to him. Like I said earlier, I don’t take my commitment to the people in my life lightly. Part of it is loyalty the other part is stubbornness; but nonetheless I had decided to be in it for the long haul. I just didn’t know exactly how long that haul would end up being.

For more continue to follow and purchase She Is Unbroken: Memoir of a Formerly Broken-Hearted Girl when it is released in 2018!