One day, almost 2 years after Jordan passed away, I left work early because I couldn’t shake the sadness that had been over me that entire day.  It was around his birthday and I was mourning him so heavily that I couldn’t focus on work.  I got home around 3 in the afternoon, and when I walked in, I fell to the floor and began to wail with grief.  I didn’t turn anything on; no lights, no TV, nothing.  The only sound that filled that apartment was my crying.  I cried nonstop for HOURS. Eventually my tear ducts dried up and I was still crying from my belly, there just weren’t any actual tears falling.  I didn’t realize how long I had been crying until my house was pitch black because 3PM had somehow turned into 9PM without me knowing it.

In that moment I got so frustrated at my own grief.  Not just the grief that I had been feeling that day, but all the grief I endured from the moment he died.  I felt alone, as if God had forgotten me. So I screamed, “God I need you to do something now! I can’t keep feeling like this!” With the same intensity I used in my crying, I laid on that floor and pled with God to take the pain away.  Immediately my phone rang. It was my friend Megan. I debated whether or not I should answer the phone, but eventually I did.  I tried my best to conceal the sound of crying in my voice and simply said “Hi” when I answered the phone.  The next words she spoke blew my mind.  She said “God told me to call you right now.” Immediately I fell back into my heavy sobs and Megan began to pray over me.  By the time our conversation was over the heaviness had been lifted.  That was the last day I mourned Jordan so intensely.

Why did I want to share this? Because someone right now is hurting, feels like God has forgotten you, and your pain feels like it’s going to consume you.  But be encouraged. God hasn’t forgotten you, He loves you and desires to mend your brokenness.  I thought God had taken His eye off me, but really I had taken my eyes off Him.  I allowed my hurt to be my focus rather than Christ’s relentless love. Remember, Your pain doesn’t change God’s promise!  He will never leave nor forsake you! His eye is on you and his love can heal your soul!