*Transparent Moment Alert*

Let me start by saying this… Recently I’ve been really happy and I’ve had peace. My professional career has been thriving, my personal business is growing, my skin is clearing up, my hair has been flourishing, and most importantly my mental health is intact!  I don’t say this to brag, I say this because it hasn’t always been like this, and because I know what it feels like to be deeply sad, I’m grateful for joy!

I’ve also recently found this new confidence and contentment in my singleness.  I’m learning how to maximize this season and I’ve been hyper-focused on figuring out who God is calling me to be and becoming that woman.  So needless to say, everything in my life has been all good…

And then….

I received a text in a group chat with a picture of my ex proposing to his new fiancée

Initially, when I saw the picture I felt nothing.  It was no different than seeing a proposal moment captured of strangers.  Honestly, I always figured he’d move on before me, so I wasn’t shocked; and I don’t want him, so I wasn’t hurt.  Plus, it’s been over 4 years, so surely there’s been enough time. I didn’t look at the picture for longer than a few seconds and then told the sender not to send me anymore pictures of my ex and his new life.  

I thought closing out the message would be the end of it for me.  Unfortunately, I was wrong. Later that day I found myself thinking about his new engagement.  Then I started thinking about our relationship, and that sent me down a rabbit hole of thoughts about not only my relationship with him but also every guy that I’ve dated since him.  Over the last 4 years, I haven’t dated many people for several reasons, but here are the top two:

  1. I wasn’t ready to date.  I had a lot of baggage and hurt to address, so I took the necessary time to heal.
  2. I try to be intentional about the type of men that I date now.  As a daughter of the king, I understand not everyone deserves that type of access to me.

Nevertheless, there have been two gentlemen that, on separate occasions within the 4 year period, garnered my interest to the point that I was considering what life would be like in a committed relationship with them.  Long story short…neither worked out. I’ve watched both of them move on with their lives (virtually via social media of course) including also witnessing them both propose to their future wives in 2018. Like with my ex, seeing their proposals didn’t stir me, and I would even go so far to say that I was actually happy for both of them.

So why was I starting to feel some type of way about these proposals?  Why was I starting to rehash memories of relationships that never actually came to fruition? Why was I starting to feel lonely, when prior to that picture being sent to me I was literally relishing in my singleness.  I couldn’t put my finger on it. I started to get frustrated because the thoughts I was having were uncharacteristic to who I’ve become, but I knew I had to get to the bottom of that emotion before it fabricated into something much bigger… then it dawned on me:

I didn’t feel chosen.  I was watching as the same men that gave a lackluster effort to love me, promise forever to other women, and if I’m being real…that hurts.  I wanted to feel wanted, but I felt the exact opposite and to add insult to injury, I was pissed at myself for even caring to begin with. 

So what did I do with those emotions?  Great question…

I leaned on my girl tribe-This is why it’s so important to have a support system that can lovingly move you out of your feelings and give perspective on whatever you’re going through.  After a conversation over pizza with Sarah, and a phone call with Shannon I was reminded that these “failed relationships” that I was so suddenly mourning were never meant for me to begin with. Too often we romanticize relationships when they’re over, but they reminded me of all the reasons that it didn’t work out to begin with.  I needed that. It reminded me that these men weren’t mine because they weren’t supposed to be. And that’s okay. I also think it’s important to note that speaking up about these feelings was a huge thing for me. I’m the typical “strong black woman” that tries to figure everything out for herself, but I decided to take the advice I give to my friends by dropping my cape and asking for help.  I appreciate that growth in myself.

I remembered that “comparison is the thief of joy”- I’ve heard this a million times and I thought I understood what it meant, but this situation really showed me just how true it is.  Looking at these proposals and comparing them to my singleness LITERALLY stole my joy, and with the very thing that I was starting to find such true contentment in. It’s not lost on me that my contentment with singleness was attacked right in the moment that I started publicly speaking about it.  After all, the devil is going to try to derail any train that’s on track to the promise that God has called for you. Don’t let the enemy steal the joy that belongs to you because you’ve got your eyes on someone else’s journey. You don’t know what it took to get them there, and at the end of the day….that’s their story, not yours.  

I REMEMBERED WHO THE HECK I AM! I had to remind myself of what God says about me! The God of all creation decided to make me, gave me purpose in His kingdom, and loves me beyond my own comprehension.  Why should I stress about being chosen by men who weren’t called to love me, when God himself chooses me every single day? I had to silence the voice in my own head that was saying that I wasn’t chosen, because that’s quite possibly the biggest lie I’ve ever told myself.  

I wanted to share this because I know I’m not the only one that has struggled with feeling chosen.  As people we have a desire to feel desired and there’s nothing wrong with that, we just can’t let that be the source of our validation.  Don’t be mistaken, the lack of feeling wanted isn’t isolated to just singles: I know married people that don’t feel chosen, sometimes we don’t feel chosen in our jobs, sometimes we don’t feel chosen in our friendships… but we’ve got to evaluate those emotions, lean on the people that love us, remember not to compare our lives to others, and most importantly, remember that God himself chose us and that alone is certainly enough!