Un-Break My Heart

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart? What about making decisions with one? Well I’ve done both, and take it from me, the first one sucks, but the second is downright dangerous. I just wish somebody would have warned me that I couldn’t run from my pain simply by pretending it wasn’t there. Even better, I wish someone would have told me that I was unfairly expecting my ex to heal damage he never created.
But there I go starting in the middle of the story again…let me first explain why I was heartbroken.

May 3rd 2009, I lost my boyfriend in a car accident. Losing Jordan knocked the wind out of me in the worst way; I never have fully gotten that breath back, and I don’t believe I ever will. After the accident, I honestly feel like part of me stayed in the remains of the car and another part of me was buried with him in the casket. I didn’t really get to start mourning until after Jordan’s funeral, because the week following the accident, there were so many people in my hospital room (for which I am grateful) that I was distracted and unknowingly already preparing myself to “be strong” for everyone else. Outside of the tears I shed at the funeral services, I never really allowed myself to be publicly upset. I always made sure my Facebook statuses were positive in nature, I reserved my breakdowns for the times that I was alone, and I always felt like I needed to encourage the people who reached out to check on me.

If I’m going to be completely honest, part of me felt guilty for the attention I was getting. I kept thinking about Jordan’s parents and his little sister; they had just lost their child and brother, my pain must have paled in comparison and therefore I just wanted to fade into the background. Another part of me felt guilty for being alive. I never could understand how an accident that took his life only had me hospitalized for a week. Jordan was so loved, and so necessary to so many people, I just didn’t understand why God chose to take him and leave me. Consequently, that made me feel like I couldn’t be sad without feeling ungrateful for life. So I decided to not be sad, because I didn’t feel I had the right to be sad. Instead, I perfected the art of appearing to “have it all together.” And that was the problem. Do you have any idea what happens when a person whose heart is breaking pretends like it isn’t? The pain manifests into other issues and they use their brokenness in making future decisions.

In my case, I jumped head first into “love” and honestly, that was completely unfair to Lance. I started the relationship with good intentions of loving him the best way I could, but I was still completely devoted to Jordan in a way that didn’t really accommodate room for anyone else. I had all of this emotion stored up that I felt I wanted to share, but my actions were premature and Lance didn’t deserve that. Lance once told me that he felt like he was fighting a ghost. I denied it then, but growth has shown me that he was; because I was always subconsciously making comparisons between the two.

My heartbreak also manifested into this constant fear of losing someone and being alone. I know that seems like a typical fear that anyone could have, but for me it was almost crippling. Losing Jordan so suddenly, caused me to develop this anxiety about letting people in my life go. It became really hard for me to detach from people, even if they were bad for me; which is partially why I allowed my ex to stay in my life as long as he did.

My ex was probably one of the only people that knew this weakness existed and he definitely used it to his advantage. Basically using communication as a weapon, he knew that giving me the cold shoulder would trigger a reaction from me, and I fell into that trap every single time. He was deployed for most of the time that we were building our foundation and he made that deployment physically painful for me. He was very aware of the anxiety not hearing from him caused me, but because he was so vindictive, he would intentionally not contact me when he was mad. This caused me to contemplate worst case scenarios unnecessarily and left me feeling lonely very often.

Another bad habit I’ve picked up is handling my problems on my own (or rather always pretending like everything is ok). I never quite got rid of that. I’m not sure why I’m wired to keep everything inside. I have wonderful friends, family, and parents to talk to, but for some reason I just choose to handle things by myself. This is not always a bad thing, for the most part, I like to think I make good decisions, but as I’ve stated in a previous entry, there’s “safety in having wise counsel.” I’m learning that I’m not always equipped to make decisions alone and sometimes I need the help of the people who love me. For example, maybe if I would have started opening up about Lance sooner they could’ve helped me see him for who he was and not who I wanted him to be. Maybe if I had let them know how badly I was still hurting, they could’ve helped me through my hurt. Maybe I wouldn’t have used my broken heart to make decisions about love and would have avoided such a damaging relationship to begin with.
I’m not certain, but I do know that before I made my broken hearted decisions, I wish I had dealt with the source; my broken heart.

She Is Blogging. She Is Compromising. She Is Unaware. She Is BrokenHearted.  She Is Bonita