Broken hearted decisions II

Broken hearted decisions II

The heart, in its normal state, is unpredictable, irrational, and super powerful.  How many times has your mind completely conflicted with your heart’s desires, but you chose your heart anyways?  How many times have you known something/someone was no good for you, but your heart still told you to go after it?  I’m not trying to suggest that all decisions that are made with the heart are bad.  God has given each of us a spirit of discernment/intuition, and it’s our heart that makes us human; but let’s be honest, not all “heartfelt” decisions are good ones.

Broken hearts are usually ten times more unpredictable and irrational and never seem to consult the brain when making decisions.  Broken-hearted decisions are usually impulsive and almost always deceptive.  Sometimes when we’re making these choices we honestly believe they’re good ones, and other times we know exactly how toxic they are, but choose not to care.  In both scenarios serious damage can be done and usually more hearts end up broken.

The source of your brokenness may be vastly different from mine; maybe you don’t know how to let people in because of a broken relationship with a parent, maybe a friend backstabbed you in a way that seems unforgivable, or maybe you’re just tired of going through the same cycle of lies and dishonesty with people you thought you could trust.  Regardless of the reason, the brokenness must be dealt with, because making broken hearted decisions is dangerous…


So what are the consequences of making broken hearted decisions?



1. Baggage



“Bag lady you gon’ hurt your back, dragging all them bags like that”- Erykah Badu


Broken hearts lead to unforgiveness, which leads to resentment, which leads to baggage.  Broken hearts don’t just self-heal, if you leave them to their own devices they create other emotional barriers that can be taken from relationship to relationship.  Baggage weighs you down; it dims your light, and affects all your social interaction.  Let’s face it, nobody wants to be with someone and deal with the ghosts of their relationships past, and nobody wants to date a person that’s always mad or walks around with a chip on their shoulder.  


Common baggage cases:

  • The Architect:  This is the person that builds emotional walls so high and sturdy that the US army couldn’t tear them down.  They use the walls as an emotional barricade to protect themselves from being hurt.  They expect their loved ones to be open and honest with them, but aren’t willing to do the same thing.  These relationships can never reach any depth, because the architect is only willing to divulge surface-level information about their self and the intimacy generally becomes one-sided.   
  • The Bottler:  This is the person that is always “fine” and you never know their true emotions because they have no idea how to self-express.  They avoid difficult conversations like the plague, and would rather act like problems don’t exist than address them head-on.  These relationships are just communication blow-ups waiting to happen.  If you never address problems, they just continue to pile up like a volcano waiting to erupt.
  • The Projector: This is the person that manages to make every problem they have, the issue of their lover.  For example, because you’re having a hard time trusting, you may project that same trait onto your loved one, which consequently causes you to have an even more difficult time trusting.  Don’t Project! We like to live by the “it’s not you, it’s me” statement, but honey, sometimes it’s you.  
  • The Runner:  This is the person that always has one foot in and one foot out.  They’re always preparing their exit plan, and the thought of committing is like punishment worse than death.  Outside of the “commitment” they participate in relationship activities, and despite the absence of the “title” you’d never know that they weren’t committed.  These relationships go nowhere fast, they seem promising, but when it’s time for the relationship to make serious progression, the runner does what they do best…run. 
  • The Detective: This person is always suspicious, always hunting, and feels like everything is a clue. “Intuition” turns into paranoia, and they have a bad habit of making comparisons between old and new lovers. These relationships suffer extreme trust issues, and the detective usually drives themselves and their lover crazy, because they can’t stop searching for proof that they’re being done wrong.  


I have been ALL of these before.  You don’t have to be a bag lady/man… trust me, once the bags are gone you’ll be amazed at how much lighter you feel.



2. RelationSLIP Cycles


Catchy title, right?  I can’t take credit for it, I stole this from my pastor; however, I don’t know of a more elegant way to put it.  If we don’t deal with what broke us in the beginning it puts us at risk of entering the same type of situation again.  You know, the whole “history repeats itself” concept.  Dealing with our broken hearts allows us to identify what it was that hurt us, and helps us recognize the signs before we allow it to happen again.   



3. Self-Destruction


This sounds dramatic, but I mean it sincerely.  Broken heartedness can cause us to participate in activities that can be damaging.  

  • A common one I’ve seen is to completely disengage/isolate.  Many people take on the idea that if they never love again, then they can never be hurt again.  As people, we aren’t meant to be alone.  We long for love and affection, and to cut yourself off from the possibility of having that is crippling your heart.
  • Have you ever heard of the saying, “hurt people, hurt people?”  Well it’s true, if you allow yourself to prematurely get into a relationship with someone before you’re completely healed, you run the risk of putting that person in the same broken hearted position as you.  Although it’s probably not intentional, it doesn’t make the situation any better.  You know how heart break feels; don’t willingly or accidentally pass it on to someone else that cares about you.
  • Some people engage in reckless behavior.  Whether it’s trying to retaliate or trying to distract themselves, neither of these work out in their best interest 
  • Depression.  It’s an illness and it’s serious.  Allowing yourself to stay broken hearted can lead to depression, affect the way you value or view yourself, and ultimately lead to much deeper emotional issues. 


You’ve got to face your broken heartedness.  You can’t ignore, you can’t wait it out.  You must get THROUGH  it.  I promise you will be a much stronger person on the other side of this situation!  

Bonita Davis
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