18 Oct Betrayal 2
Lance somehow shaved 30 minutes off of the 45 minute commute between his house and mine because the next thing I knew he was banging on my door, begging me to talk to him. I didn’t open the door. But don’t be proud of me, I wasn’t taking a stand. I wanted to see him, but I looked a mess when he got to my house. My hair wasn’t done, I hadn’t showered and my face was swollen from crying; so I had to get dressed. The thought in my head was that I had to look good; after all, if this was the last time he was going to see me, his lasting memory had to be a good one. He waited. Through the shower, hair curling, and natural make-up application (ladies know what I mean, when you put on just enough to cover imperfections, but so little that it looks like you don’t have anything on). I was going for an effortless look, who cares that it took an hour to achieve it? I also practiced my “Mary J Blige-I’m not gon’ cry speech” where I would tell him that he hurt me, but I would get over him and it was his loss. Finally, I was ready and opened the door. I got about two seconds to look him in his tear-filled eyes before he picked me up, pressed me against his chest, and started uttering a series of “I’m so sorry baby’s” in my ear. Ironically, that was the type of embrace I was expecting at his coming home ceremony, minus the apologies of course. I tried to break away from his hold, because I had a well-planned speech to deliver; but his strength wouldn’t allow me to move, and if I’m being completely honest, I was indulging a bit in the caressing that I had been pining for over the last 12 months. I don’t know how long we were in that position, I’m sure it was only minutes but it felt like days. My head was spinning with conflicting information. My heart was breaking but in that moment he made me feel like the most loved girl in the world. It didn’t make sense to me then, and as I write it out now, it still doesn’t. I started forgetting parts of that well-rehearsed speech, and my tongue seemed to be paralyzed, because I didn’t talk. I just sat there, in his arms, listening to his “explanations.”
“I was lonely.”
“She doesn’t mean anything.”
“That was all talk, I wasn’t planning on doing any of that”
But my favorite one: “that was before I was completely sure about you.” Hearing those nine words gave me the strength of the Hulk because I immediately broke from his grasp. The rage in my eyes must’ve let him know that was the absolute worst thing to say, because he instantly tried to change his words, but at that point I wasn’t even listening to him anymore. Instead, I was thinking about the sacrifices I had been making spiritually, physically, financially, and mentally for a person who just stated he wasn’t sure about me through most of it! I was replaying the previous year’s emotional investments, restless nights, and overwhelming worry over a man who was just now discovering my value! Before I knew it my face was flooded with my own tears and I had finally mustered up the words to my speech. Albeit ineffective, (do you guys have any idea how unconvincing a “not gon’ cry” speech is, if given while crying), I ended it with telling him that it was time for him to leave, and not to call me anymore.
You can be mildly proud of me here; obviously this wasn’t the end of the road for Lance and I; actually it was kind of like a new beginning, but I was gaining some of my strength back and doing what was best for me at the time…
She is ____________________________.
A Note to my Sheisbonita.com Followers…
Hey guys! Thank you for continuing to rock with me as I unfold the drama that was my last relationship! I’ve gotten so many amazing responses and suggestions from you guys and take them all into serious consideration as I continue to plan the future of the She Is Bonita brand! With that being said, two suggestions that I’ve prayed over and have committed to are writing a book and incorporating a Question and Answer portion to the blog! Let me give a few details of how this will change things:
Writing a Book: The book will be a more in-depth account of my relationship (details I never intended to share on the blog). It will also offer more advice about finding yourself after being in a “lost situation.” How will this change things? In an effort to avoid creating duplicate work (my book being exactly like my blog) the entries will be shorter and I will be opening up my topics to relationships in a broader perspective. I hope that you’ll find them just as engaging, but I also want there to be value in reading the book once it’s released.
Question and Answer: Your questions can be on my broken engagement specifically or general questions you’d like my opinion on as it pertains to relationships. I want honest and genuine questions. I’ve built my platform on honesty and I don’t plan to lose that candor as it continues to grow. Chances are if you have the question, someone else does as well. I want to help people, and if this is a way that I can do it then I’m completely open to it. The questions will be featured on the blog and the best questions will be incorporated into the book. The author of all questions is kept confidential and can be submitted by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org or being left in the comments under the most recently posted blog entry.
Again, thank you so much for supporting me! I truly love you guys!