Losing Me.

Have you ever been surprised by the thoughts in your own head?  Or have you ever heard yourself speak words and then wonder who said them?  Maybe you’ve found yourself compromising on things you said you’d never do?  You know what I mean, that’s when your “I will never” statements turn into “I don’t usually do this” statements, and then all of a sudden you’re forming new habits that you never would have imagined.  Have you ever looked in the mirror and stared into the eyes of a total stranger?

I have.

I’m not sure the moment it happened, the moment that I lost myself, but I do know that I found out after everyone else.  It was like everyone that loved me had the inside scoop that the “real Bonita” went on hiatus and they were just appeasing the imposter until I returned.  My friends and family walked on egg shells around me, and if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me, “is everything really ok with you?” I would be retired and free from student loan debt.

One night I went to drop something off at my best friend’s house, and what I thought was supposed to be a quick transaction, turned into a conversation that I neither expected nor was I prepared for.  She looked at me, with what I know was sincerity and tear-filled eyes, and told me that she didn’t know me anymore.  She wasn’t sure who I was becoming, but she knew it wasn’t her best friend and that man (we will pretend that’s how she referred to him) was changing me into someone I wasn’t.

I could literally feel my heart break and even though I knew what she was saying was true, the only words that escaped when I opened my mouth were “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m the same person.”  I could feel tears in my throat, but my pride wouldn’t let them fall until I got into my car. So I cried for the entire 10 minute drive back to my house where I went and buried my head in the chest of the man she had just told me was changing me.  The man I loved.  The enemy.

Well, I guess I’m starting in the middle of the story, so maybe I should back up a bit…

Lance (I will refer to my ex as Lance) and I met at work in 2007.  I’m not going to bore you all with all of the history between us, but I do think there is relevant information in our foundation that plays out in our love story.  He approached me romantically back then, but at the time I was in a relationship, and he said he wouldn’t disrespect my situation.  He said we could just be friends, and from that moment he never came on to me inappropriately or in any non-platonic manner.  Fast forward 2 years later, and my boyfriend and I were in a car accident; my boyfriend  didn’t make it, and my life changed forever.

Honestly, the rest of 2009 was a blur in slow motion.  I don’t remember very much of it other than doing a lot of sleeping, I went to a couple grief counseling sessions, and argued with a couple doctors about not needing antidepressants.  I wasn’t depressed, I was grieving.  Besides, I had mentally put myself on this 3 day cycle, I wouldn’t allow myself to go more than 3 days without leaving the house.  So every 3rd day, I got up, got dressed and prepared myself for the nervous conversations of sympathy everybody wanted to have.

One particular 3rd day I was finding it very hard to get out of bed.  I was finding it very hard to cope with my grief, and it was impossible to stop crying.  My phone rang.  It was Lance.  To this day, I have no idea why I answered that call, but I did.  He was calling to express his condolences although it was about 6 months after the accident (I believe he was away in the military so distance kept him from knowing what happened in a timely manner).  I guess it was apparent that I was upset, because he asked me how long I had been crying and what I was doing.  I told him “all day and still in bed” and he said, “let’s go out.”

Initially I was offended and defensive; I couldn’t believe he was coming at me like this!  But he must’ve been able to read my silence because before I could respond he said “I’m not asking you out on a date, I just don’t think it’s good for you to be crying at home alone, I promise.  Just friends.”  So I went, we had fun, and we were just friends.   The next few months were nothing but a few scattered conversations and some text messages, no more friendly dates, all I knew was he was a nice guy.

2009 passed by painfully, and I was determined that 2010 would bring me some relief.  I just didn’t know how.  I started indulging in myself, spent unnecessary money on clothes and trips, started drinking and clubbing, and although I was going to church, I wasn’t trusting God with my problems.  I was only looking for ways to numb the pain.  I just didn’t want to feel the way I had been feeling anymore.

One night I was lonely, so I “did something I don’t usually do” and called Lance over.  I wanted to have sex.  I didn’t love him at the time, we weren’t in a relationship, we weren’t even conversing regularly.  But I knew he was a nice guy and I just didn’t want to feel lonely anymore.  For some unknown reason I thought this would make me feel better…

It didn’t.  But it was the first of many compromises I made on the path to losing myself…

She Is Blogging. She Is Compromising. She Is Bonita

About The Author

59 Responses

    • Kenya

      I’m reading, girl. Thanks for sharing your story and may God continue to bless you.

      Reply
  1. Nirvana

    You are GIFTED, TALENTED & BLESSED with an AWESOME TESTIMONY! Thanks for blogging, thanks for sharing, thanks for being transparent. LOVE YOU! I’m super proud of YOU!

    Reply
  2. Aftan

    Girl!! You have such a beautiful gift in writing. I can’t wait until you write a book (because you should). You amaze me and can’t wait for the next entry!!!

    Reply
  3. Leah

    Captured! Your passion is exemplary, Bonita ! I’m looking foward to more blogs to come! Your growth is like a tree branching out in all directions. Your story is a testiomony !

    Reply
  4. Antwoin

    Wow! Thanks for opening up the way you did. Great read and I will definitely share

    Reply
  5. Darius Sanders

    I love your transparency about “LIFE” not just yours, but all of our your adult life. Just to know that we all share some of the same situations and know we are not alone on this journey is a bless. Keep up the good work and let God use you. You never know who you help by telling your story. I’m proud of your Nita, and can’t wait to read the next one!

    Signed,
    Dee

    Reply
  6. Bridgette

    I’m so proud of YOU! Thanks for blogging, thanks sharing, thanks for being so transparent! You are truly gifted, talented & blessed! Continue to share your testimony love!

    Reply
  7. Jalessa

    Great job! I pray that God continues to heal you, so that you can reach those with your gift who may be suffering or have suffered from similar situations. I cannot wait to read Part 2. Stay bless!!!!!

    Reply
  8. Shannon

    You are a wonderful writer! I know you know now that you are never alone. So many people experience the same things you have. Can’t wait to keep reading.

    Reply
  9. Tamisha

    Thank you for sharing your gift with the world. Thank God He has given you a gift and you aren’t afraid to share it. Healing can happen. Stay blessed dear!

    Reply
  10. Ladi Jay

    Thank you for being so amazing. Your transparency will encourage and inspire so many women who need to know its not over! I love what you’re doing. Keep it up!

    Reply
  11. Torah Speach

    Your spirit doesn’t lie. I knew from the first time you and I met that you were one of the chosen few. You’re truly a blessing to me in more than one way, Bonita. Thank you for your transparency and obedience to God in pursuing this.

    Reply
  12. Kevin

    Gifted indeed! The intensity and transparency of this entry is I’m sure the beginning of greatness. Maybe this will inspire me to start the blogging process over entirely!? We will see!

    Reply
  13. JaQuinn

    I literally just exclaimed “Where’s the rest?!?” This is already amazing and will EASILY reach out and touch people for years and years to come. I personally believe that within every storm we conquer lies a testimony that will change at least 1,000 lives.

    Reply
  14. Jeremy

    What a great read! Thank you so much for allowing us to take this journey with you. Your courage has inspired me to follow in your footsteps. Can’t wait for what’s next. The best is yet to come!

    Reply
  15. Tarsha

    Real stuff! I’ve had those “I dont usually do this” moments too. Keep writing.

    Reply
  16. Mike

    Finding self is a very hard thing to do after loosing love. Hard to trust hard and to stay focus and move on. Missing that person holds a lot of weight for a long time if love was there. You find yourself doing things you have never done as a depression and don’t really know it. People pay attention to others and true friends that have a honest heart cares and knows. Your story is just the beginning as you finally speak out from deep within and as you continue on the Wings on your back will fly. Continue on..

    Reply
  17. Angela

    Girl!!! Smh I just love you…that’s all I can muster up to type! I’m inspired in so many ways!

    Reply
  18. Denita

    You are truly an amazing and genuine young lady. I feel like im too old to be reading a blog,but i will defintly continue. I love your honesty.. I will share with my two daughters..so proud of you!!

    Reply
  19. Nik Scott

    I normally do not do blogs at all, but even though we don’t talk everyday, you are still my friend and I support you in your endeavors. With that being said, the entry definitely kept me reading and provided me with a further insight into your life. It was a great posting and I wish you nothing but success in the future.

    Reply
  20. kanisha

    I’m already waiting for the novel and the lifetime movie to premier!! Awesome read!

    Reply
  21. Brittany

    Such honesty is refreshing! This can help others through similiar situations. I think this is going to be very therapeutic for you. Great read, and I can’t wait to see more!

    Reply
  22. Jerryca

    I’m so proud of you!! Thank you so much for your transparency and vulnerability! This has truly been a gift and I can’t wait to read your next entry! I felt exactly where you were coming from. You’re speaking many people’s feelings and experiences! Thank you again for sharing this with us. It is truly a gift!

    Reply
  23. Clarissa Douglas

    Bonita, this story is for many woman. We as women lose ourselves in many different ways. This way is the far most serious way I know of. Thank God for your vision to help others. I know without a doubt, many lives will be changed. Thank you for sharing because some of your story was mine. Love you and continue to inspire others.

    Reply
  24. Cindy Shauntia

    Love this already. I’m definitely going to keep reading everyday. Keep letting your life shine to help/save others.

    Reply
  25. Keebie

    You’re very brave for sharing and I admire you for doing so. I look forward to reading more from you. I love you!!

    Reply
  26. Pam

    I am so Proud of you From the first day I met you I knew there was something Special about you.

    Reply
  27. Christopher

    The first post is amazingly great. It appears that it’s going to be a great blog for guys and girls.

    Reply
  28. Angela A

    Nita!!! Your bravery and courage has me awe struck!!!! You gift is AMAZING! Keep writing love…. you were meant for this.

    Reply
  29. Tiakka

    This spoke to me on so many levels. I can’t wait for read more from you. Thank you for sharing

    Reply
  30. Ashia

    This is a powerful testimony and many will be blessed by you sharing your story. God is truly amazing and I pray He continues to bless you and your gift.

    Reply
  31. tiffini

    My dear…whatever you do, make sure you keep this up. I love the site and I love the entries so far. Very proud of you soror!!!!

    Reply
  32. Crystal B.

    I’m so proud of you. You have no idea how alike our lives really are. I love you ls…..I’m waiting for pt 2!

    Reply
  33. Brenda

    Great entry and an awesome read! Proud of you and your courage to share your story. I can only imagine it not being easy but so many can relate & learn from it. Including myself.

    Reply

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