Why I wait…

If you ever want to have a room full of people look at you like you’re ridiculous, tell them you’re celibate. It’s almost comical how perplexed people become when I tell them I’m not engaging in sexual activity until marriage. I’m always amused by how personally affected people (that would never be contenders to sleep with me anyways) are by my decision; it’s almost like I’m wrongfully depriving them of some God given right that I didn’t know they were entitled to.

Generally I get 3 responses:

The “It’s 2015, why would you ever want to do that?” group:

This is the group that thinks relationships and sex come as a package deal. There’s some misconception that it’s not real until you’ve crossed the line, and withholding sex is an antiquated ideology that only our grandparents lived by.

The Naysayers:

These are the people that tell you your desires are far-fetched and there’s no way you’ll ever be able to commit to a life of pre-marital abstinence. They’re also the ones that come up with catchy phrases like, “don’t you want to test drive that car before you buy it?”

The “You’ll never find a man doing that!” group:

This is my favorite group. The ones that try to convince me that in order to get (and keep) a man, I’m going to have to compromise my beliefs.

Occasionally, I do get people that encourage my efforts, and I do know several individuals that are choosing to “date and wait” for spiritual reasons. While I do love God and most of my decision to abstain is based on bible principles, my desire to please Him and spiritual growth, there are also several non-spiritual reasons why I’m choosing to wait…

Emotional Freedom

I don’t like grey areas. I’m a candid person by nature. I say how I feel, and the people in my life always know where they stand with me. With that being said, sex in non-committed relationships leave too much room for grey. I’ve discovered that I’m not emotionally mature enough to handle “situationships”, so there’s no way I can engage in a sexual relationship with someone and not misconstrue it for more than it is. Let’s face it (because I’m not the only one) it’s easy to get too attached to someone after sex has been introduced into the equation. Sex is an emotional act that automatically connects you to someone. Unfortunately, that connection has no regard for whether or not that person is good or bad for you, and you can find yourself sexually connected to someone that’s toxic for you. Celibacy allows me to make better emotional decisions that aren’t driven by sexual desires.

Real Intimacy

There are so many ways to create intimacy in a relationship that don’t involve getting naked and that’s the foundation I want to build. I want your attention, your affection and your adoration. I want you to learn me, lead me, and love me. I want to be the reason you smile, your peace in the middle of a storm, and your biggest motivation. And I want all of that BEFORE we make love. After all, true intimacy can only enhance the bedroom experience…

Sex Never Made Anybody Love Me

I’m just going to say it…sex has never made any man fall in love. It might make him call you, he might stick around for the benefits of what you’re offering him, but it won’t make him fall in love. From my observation, if a man doesn’t love you, there’s no amount of sex that can make him, and if he does, then he’ll determine you’re worth the wait. So why is it so important? Because it feels good? Sex has never promised anything worth having, like commitment, fidelity, or honesty.

Preparation

While I pray that God sends me a husband, I also pray that he prepares me to be a good wife. I’m focused on being ready when my husband finds me, and I can’t do that if I’m jumping in and out of bed with every man I date. Celibacy gives me less distractions, more ‘me’ time and so much more energy to focus on being a better woman.

Don’t get me wrong, celibacy isn’t easy by any facet of the imagination, and since I’m fairly new to this journey, I’m sure there are some challenges I haven’t even faced yet. However, I do know that since I’ve taken this vow, my life has been less chaotic and much more emotionally stable (not to mention I have no worries about STD’s or unplanned pregnancies).

I truly believe that everyone must follow their own spirit when it comes to sex in their relationship and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I just wanted to share the reasons why I have chosen to wait. However, to my “you’ll never find a man like that” group, rest assured that the man God has for me will never force me to compromise my beliefs, especially over something as trivial as sex…

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                                                                                       She Is Bonita

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14 Responses

  1. Sharita

    Hey Nita,

    I commend you and support you on your journey. Although my now husband and I did engage for the first two years…. it was actually he who decided he wanted better for me and our relationship. He was the one who chose to abstain until we were married because he wanted to learn me on a deeper level, be a better man and a better Christian. I can honestly say, the first year was the hardest but we made it 2 more years until our wedding night. What helped me was not engaging in ANYTHING…. too much temptation. I am so thankful he sought GOD and wanted to be a better man, husband, and all that good jazz. <3. Good Luck on your Journey!!!

    Reply
  2. Sharita

    I commend and support you on your journey Nita. My now husband and I decided to become celibate 2 years into our relationship. I can honestly say that his choice to lead us down this path was the best thing he could’ve done and made me love him more. With that out of the picture, we were able to learn each other on a deeper level, become better Christians, and better partners. It wasn’t easy at all the first year but I will say abstaining from ALL activities helped. I wish you luck on your journey boo!!!! <3

    Reply
  3. Chris Faden

    This is pure perfection… I look forward to these daily… if you didn’t know, you’re really helping me in different ways of my life, just through your blogs. It’s almost like you are talking to me… bless u nita…

    Reply
  4. Rushawnda

    Thanks for sharing this! I’ve been practicing abstinence for 3 years now (could be more I try not to think about it lol). For so long I connected my body to who I was as a person, and couldn’t figure out why I was so unhappy! Since making my decision life has been 100% better! I think clearly, I know who I am, and most importantly I know who God says I am! I would recommend it to anyone!

    Reply
  5. Neisha

    Absolutely love it! You are blessing me cause even being married, there are lessons to still be learned! Thank you very much for sharing!

    Reply
  6. E

    I have enjoyed reading your blog! Be encouraged in your celibacy sis! I have been doing the same for almost five years and I can tell you it gets easier as time moves on. You get a deeper understanding of yourself AND peace of mind.

    Reply
  7. AB

    Yes mam!!! Loved this one as well. And I know I was in at least one of the buckets u listed above.. I am so proud of your decision and must say… I agree… best route to go right about now.

    Reply
  8. Elanie

    Celibacy is a tough thing!!! I’ve been practicing it all my life… If you catch my drift! Definitely not for the faint at heart but as stated I try not to think about “it” & more so of what I’m gaining. Being ready and knowing who you are is important before getting into any type of relationship with someone. I can sooooo relate to this entry! I commend you!

    Reply
  9. Mike

    It’s nothing wrong on the wait. It’s what you believe in. Real intimacy is the best thing. You are right it really makes the sex better. I had it bad with someone and just being around them in the same space I wanted them. I felt we had a great relationship. We split for our reasons years ago but I had love for her inside of me that effects me to this day trying to date someone to move on. So as a man and keeping it real that real intimacy is the truth. I had that with her and I miss that the most. As time go one with her her spirit, her inter deep inter soul is what attached me to her is what I love and miss about her. Yes the sex was great etc.. But it was her overall why I was in love with her. Her hat pulled low over her eyes when I met her over 10 years ago still remains in my head. I can honestly say I loved her with all my heart til death did us apart. As life moves on and we are not together she never knew at the drop of a dime it was just me and her world.

    Reply
  10. Mike

    It’s nothing wrong with the wait. A few years ago I must say that real intimacy is what I loved about the lady I was dating. I as a man can say I still love her to death after all these years. I must say yes we had great sex that was unbelievable etc.. but she turned me on mentally more then any other I have dated. I think of her all the time and I must admit she have been the reason I can’t move on. That real intimacy that we had I haven’t found since. The attraction of her Is hard to get over. That’s how I know I love her without any doubt. Yes I went back to her because I had my love inside of me controlling me. I even asked her out on a first date the same date we first went out on 10 years prior. Having her back in my life was the best thing until some went wrong the day after my birthday. If I had went home the night of my birthday I think things would have never came about. I was blamed for something I know 100% I did not do by someone that I feel I was getting more of her attention. But I had to walk away because it was the worst feeling in my life to have. I found myself in a place that nothing could bring me from because of attention and territory. I had to walk away because I could not come between a mother and her child. If she call me I will still stop what I’m doing to get to her. So real love and real intimacy without sex is real. I’m man enough to say it.

    Reply
  11. Zakiya

    NITAAAAA! OMG, THIS!!! Let me tell you those 3 types of people. OMG, hitting the nail on the head! Like I’m supposed to have sex before marriage!? Tried that before, didn’t work. IT’s been time to try God’s way of doing things. Girl, I am hooked. Thanks for your honesty!! Love you!

    Reply
  12. Tiffany

    Very good points. Entertaining and intuitive. Keep writing. You do have a gift.

    Reply

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