“The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies” – unknown

I spent weeks preparing for Lance to come home from deployment. Eating virtually nothing, spending hours in the gym, buying new clothes, underwear, make-up…I wanted to be perfect for him. I wanted to show him how much I missed him.

Not that he couldn’t tell by the way I professed my love for him on social media. Looking back, it was probably hard to tell whether it was my page or his, because I was always posting pictures of him with pseudo-philosophical quotes about love and how we were meant to be together. Meanwhile, it would take a CSI team to even find a trace of me on his page, and nobody important to him even knew I existed. But I was senselessly devoted to him in a way that completely blinded me, and in the back of my mind I always felt I could prove to him that I was worth it. So the day he returned I was ready to do just that…

I stood alone at the ceremony amongst all of the other families that were waiting to welcome their soldiers home. I was able to recognize his family on the opposite side of the room because they were holding signs with his face and name on them; but because they didn’t know who I was, I wasn’t comfortable enough to go and wait with them. His daughter’s mother, however, was sitting comfortably in the midst of everyone that was important to him, and I would be lying if I said that watching her bond with (who I thought were) my future in-laws didn’t make me jealous. But today was the day that everyone would learn how important I was to him and how much he loved me. In my head, when he walked off the plane I would run and jump into his arms and he would kiss me passionately and tell me how much he missed me (you know, typical lifetime movie stuff), but instead he made a b-line for his family, picked up his daughter, and I was still standing there…alone. Eventually I walked over to him, rationalizing that he probably didn’t see me. When he did, he greeted me with an unenthusiastic “Hey” and a side-ways church hug. All I could do was try to maintain a smile and posture that didn’t outwardly express the way I was inwardly feeling.

The hour that followed our greeting was awkward, to say the least. I felt like the new kid at school that didn’t really know where to stand or who to talk to. I kept trying to be around but not in the way, and I wanted desperately for someone to speak to me so that I could at least look like I belonged there. That time never really came, and after taking some forced, buddy-like pictures with Lance, he left and went home with his family. He lived about an hour away from where we were and I expected that once he made it home he would call me and I would meet him at his house (or somewhere) later that night. I was trying to respect the fact that he hadn’t seen his family, primarily his children, in nearly a year and understood they needed some quality time together. But I needed quality time too; I was just going to have to wait to get it…again.

12 hours later…I still hadn’t heard anything from Lance. Not a text, call, or Facebook message. Needless to say, I went to bed heartbroken. I never imagined I’d be sleeping alone that night; and none of my expectations for that day had been met. I had been waiting on this man for nearly 12 months, and when he got home I was still waiting.

The next morning started off very early for me with a noise I had grown quite accustomed to during Lance’s deployment. My phone chimed with the Facebook Messenger notification, which was the primary method of communication he and I used while he was away. Only partially awake, I reached for my phone ready to read whatever excuse Lance had come up with as to why he hadn’t contacted me the night before. But it wasn’t Lance on the other end of that message. It was a woman, my eyes skimmed over the message and my heart sank as I read:

“Bonita you are a very sweet person and you deserve the best. I can’t keep quiet anymore, Lance is playing you. I wanted to tell you a while ago, but he told me you wouldn’t believe me anyways…”

To make a long and very painful conversation short I’ll summarize: I asked how she knew he’d been unfaithful, and she said she was the one he was being unfaithful with. She told me about conversations they’d had about marriage, gifts he’d sent her while he was deployed, sexual plans they’d made for his return, and worst of all she was the reason I hadn’t heard from him the night before. I asked for screenshots of their conversations, she provided them (don’t you just love modern-day technology?) and then she offered me an apology that I really had no use for. Oddly enough, I felt as if she was sincere, but “I’m sorry” holds absolutely no weight with a woman who feels like she’s been kicked in the stomach.
So I did exactly what I’m sure you expected I’d do…I blew his phone up until he answered (had I known where he was I would’ve popped up). He answered disheveled by my 6 am phone call and somehow managed to understand what I was saying through my heavy sobs and yelling. As I told him the details of the conversation I had with her, he vehemently denied any of it was true and although he admitted to being with her the night before he said they were not intimate. He said that the conversations I’d read were taken out of context and assured me he had no feelings for her, especially not to the extent of marriage. Backed up against the wall, and wanting so badly to believe him, I demanded that if he was telling the truth give me the password to his Facebook account so I can read the messages for myself.  And guess what…he did!

While he was on the phone I pulled up his account on my Ipad and began to scroll through his messages. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest because he gave me the information so easily, he didn’t even resist once, so surely he had nothing to hide…right?  Once again, my assumption is wrong.

I started to notice that his inbox was full of women I’d never seen or heard of before. I started reading each thread individually and seriously thought I was going to throw up. There were about a dozen women that he was communicating with, and the content of each message seemed like he took excerpts straight from Zane books. I read what he wanted to do to each woman (and how he would do it to them) in utter disbelief. Partially because I had no clue he was that creative, and mainly because I didn’t understand how someone I’d been so devoted to could have such little regard for me.

What started off as one woman reaching out to me about my boyfriend’s infidelity, turned into this colossal nightmare that I wasn’t expecting. I wasn’t prepared to handle that. I was supposed to be celebrating the return of my boyfriend that just safely made it home from war; instead, a war of my own was just getting started.

She Is Blogging. She Is Compromising. She Is Unaware. She Is BrokenHearted. She Is Stunned.  She Is Bonita

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13 Responses

  1. Christine

    Goodness! Not sure how you use all of the hurt as inspiration but it translates on every level. You are an inspiration of strength in the midst of adversity! I applaud you.

  2. Leah

    Breathtaking! Man this had me on the edge and in tears thinking about some of my
    Past experiences. Deep B! Thanks for sharing , excited about the next post !

  3. MJ

    Wow! I’m so addicted. Thank you for pointing out so many red flags that in the future I will not ignore if they present themselves! You are so brave, thank you so much for what you are doing!


    WOW, I had no idea it was that bad. Every time I read one of your blogs I remember a piece of me in my 20’s. A lot of men can’t see how good something is until they loose it. I was notorious for this! I am no exception! How ever I’m sure he loved you when he was with you and was probably sincere when he was with you. The problem is he had no self control when he was without you.
    My hurt cries for your experience mainly because I know I’ve done this to a great woman before. Although she is married and we still speak, I think I will call and apologize again. No one deserves this! It’s so much more powerful in words!

  5. Torah Speach

    As I sit in the middle of the mall on my lunch break, catching up on your entries, I can’t help but thank God for who you are and what you’re doing. Thank you for sharing your testimony through your gift of writing. Thank you for your obedience to God. Thank you for saving my life and time! You’re simply amazing. 💜

  6. AB

    Bam… and even more so… the title is very…. relevant and timely. Keep blogging… keep healing… keep growing… we are reading.

  7. Special K

    Benita, I am so sorry you had to go through this. I remember when you used to post pics on your Facebook page about your ex – fiancé. You both seemed like the perfect couple based on facebook pics. This definitely tells us that we just never know what someone is going through behind closed doors. I actually had a similar story as you except I didn’t get engaged. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend way before it ever got to be that serious due to his infidelity. Let’s just say my end of the story had me in a situation where I never thought I would ever be. But thank God the story could have ended worse than it did. Fast forward a year later, I met a wonderful guy (my current boyfriend) through two mutual friends. My boyfriend is pretty much the best person I have ever been with. He’s 100% loyal to me. He respects me. He showed me that there are still genuinely nice guys out there who are still committed to their mates. We recently celebrated our 1 year anniversary. I can honestly say that I have never been in a “stress-free and drama-free” relationship until now. I say this to say, your king will find you soon. Be patient, continue to focus on you, and then when you at least expect it, he will appear. I know it sounds cliché but it’s the truth. This is my story. I was sooooooo focused on myself (after the break-up) to the point where I was pretty much not wanting to date anyone until I met my current boyfriend. Good luck dear! Maybe one day I will tell you my story over brunch if you ever come to the metro.

    • Carmen

      Thanks for sharing your experience! I’m glad to know there’s still genuine guys left! I’m in the same boat you was in! Not wanting to date anymore.

  8. Angela

    Laaaawd! Your pen! The strength you are displaying is amazing!

    God kept you through all of that for such a time as this!!!

    Love you!

  9. Mike

    I must say this entry it brings back a memory of a friend. Well 2 friends. I had introduced my boy to a friend of mind. We was all cool my friend called a friend out to hang with us so he could have some company. We went bowling. My boy got there late. But when he walked in the both of them went head first off the cliff. Lol they forgot we was there to bowl. But anyways the 2 of them hit it off real good. They started dating seriously and like Lance in your story he was in the military also and went away for a year or so. By then they was in a relationship. He has a house that he had just brought Prior to him leaving not fully furnished he had ask her to do her thing. She was his girl. So she started buying things for the house assuming they was going to be married one day when he returned. She had access to his bank accounts to pay bills online and all. My boy never been the one to post much anyways other then the music artist he was helping get started. I know he love women like all men but he said he was done so I let it go because it was my friend at the time best friend. But anyways before it was time for his return things got ugly between them and I didn’t know. She ended up going on his facebook page and saw a few things. Come to fine out he was seeing someone while he was over there in the military also and I kinda figured that would happen. But to top it all off the chick he was seeing was the one posting and tagging him like you did with lance and his girl here saw it. The chick made a post that she was pregnant with his child. When I was able to get a hold of him and he called I told him what my friend told me her girl saw. I had to get him to change passwords and all for his bank accounts. Not knowing what he did time went by and the girl was still doing what she was doing standing by him in the matter until he came home still in hopes of them being together because that’s what he was telling her. But when he got back she was hit with a slap in the face. He had got back 2 days before the day he told her he was coming. Changed everything even the locks on the doors. Then he dropped the bomb on her and told her he had got engaged to the one he got pregnant. So you can some up the rest to how everything went. Hell it crush me because I was the blame for putting them 2 together. Him and the girl he got pregnant is married to this day with 2 kids now.


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